Emotional and physical intimacy are part of every relationship. But it turns out the deeper your emotional connection, the better the physical connection might be, too. It’s the difference between sex that feels good in the moment and sex that stays on your mind for days.
A lot of us have experienced relationships with a high degree of physical intimacy without a strong emotional connection. Think one-night stands, friends with benefits, or another arrangement that's based primarily on sexual satisfaction.
Those kinds of connections can be fun and exciting, but they don’t always give you that sense of comfort, trust, and closeness that makes things feel even better in the long run. In relationships that are long-term, that emotional bond is often what keeps the spark from fading.
For some people, attraction doesn’t really kick in until they feel a deeper connection - maybe from shared experiences, similar values, or just feeling truly seen by someone. For others, it’s the opposite: the chemistry comes first, and the emotional closeness grows over time. There’s no one “right” way it happens, but emotional intimacy usually makes the physical side feel more satisfying and more connected.
When you know how to build it, emotional intimacy can boost desire, deepen trust, and turn sex into something that just keeps getting better. Here’s how to make it happen.
What is emotional intimacy, exactly?
Emotional intimacy varies from relationship to relationship. You may experience a deep emotional connection with one partner and a less intense connection in another. But there is no right or wrong level of emotional intimacy; it's about what works for you both. However, increasing the connection you feel with your partner can have some amazing benefits, in and out of the bedroom. Relationships with strong emotional intimacy share some similar aspects, such as:
- Trusting each other: It's tough to have emotional intimacy if you don't completely trust your partner. Trust is easily broken and hard to rebuild. But earning and keeping your partner's trust (in the big things as well as the small ones) can help strengthen your emotional bond.
- Knowing they have your back: When you know you can depend on your partner, that can help strengthen your bond with each other. Having each other's backs builds trust as well as deepens your connection.
- Being able to communicate: When you have an emotional bond with another person, you know you can talk to them about anything. That can help clear up misunderstandings and open up avenues to new adventures together.
Emotional intimacy will naturally wax and wane during the course of a long-term relationship. You may feel less emotionally connected when stressed at work, have young children at home, or are experiencing other outside pressures. So you shouldn't panic if it feels like you and your partner aren't as connected as you used to be. The good thing about emotional intimacy is that you can strengthen the connection over and over again, as long as both partners are willing to work on it.
The types of intimacy you need may change over the years, too. At the beginning of your relationship, you may find that your need for physical intimacy is off the scales. That's pretty normal; a lot of relationships start off based on physical attraction, especially during our 20s and 30s. But as the lust fades away, your need for emotional intimacy may increase. Again, there is no right or wrong here. The important thing is being honest with your partner about what you need and working together to achieve it.
Why emotional intimacy matters in sex
What does emotional intimacy have to do with making sex better? The emotional bond can actually increase your pleasure on both a psychological and physical level. It can also help you get over rough patches in your relationship and stick it out for the long haul.
Your brain already links sex and emotion
Your body experiences all sorts of yummy sensations when you have good sex. One of the biggest is the release of oxytocin after an orgasm. Oxytocin is the "feel good" hormone. It's responsible for increasing your feelings of love and affection. When we have sex with someone who we connect with on an emotional level, that hormone also helps to bond us to them. And that feels good on all sorts of levels.
Studies also show that the connection between our emotions and sex may be stronger within the brain than we originally thought. A study in Cellular and Molecular Life Sciences found links between the brain circuits responsible for sex and the ones responsible for emotions. The study also highlighted the role of an appropriately-named hormone, Kisspeptin, "in the modulation of sexual and emotional brain processing." It turns out, that hormone is managing both our emotions and our sexual responses from the same area of the brain.
That means your brain is already linking sex and emotion, so strengthening one could strengthen the other.
The biggest benefits in the bedroom
But it's not all brain chemistry benefits when it comes to emotional intimacy in the bedroom. There are also a lot of benefits that couples experience when they share a deep connection.
One of the biggest benefits of emotional intimacy in the bedroom is being able to communicate. Good sex doesn't usually just happen, it’s created. Partners need to be able to talk about what they want as well as new things they'd like to try. When partners have a history of good communication outside the bedroom, it's a lot easier for them to communicate about their wants and needs inside the bedroom, too. Emotional intimacy means you feel comfortable talking about what you want and need in bed without worrying about your partner shaming you. Being able to fulfill those desires for each other can lead to more mind-blowing sex.
Emotional intimacy can also help you get past a dry spell in the bedroom. Most relationships aren't all sex all the time, in fact how often happy couples have sex might surprise you. You might go for weeks, months, and even years where sex just isn't a priority. That's natural, but it's also something you'll want to get past. According to a survey conducted by Superdrug, the best way to get past a dry spell is to talk to your partner. 40% of the men and women in the survey said a good old-fashioned conversation about the dry spell was the best way to end it.
And emotional intimacy can help you relax and enjoy your sexual experiences more. Great sex happens when our needs are being met and we feel safe and comfortable with our partners. When you've achieved a certain level of emotional intimacy, you are more likely to be able to relax and focus completely on the experience. You'll be able to take in the sights, tastes, sounds, and smells of sex and create a total sensory experience for each other. You can limit distractions and concerns that they think you are too flabby or you aren't good at giving head. Emotional connections allow us to feel safe. You'll know they love you, care about your needs, and are here to experience the joys of sex with you.
How to increase your emotional intimacy
Where is your current relationship at with emotional intimacy? It's something that couples will need to work on together their entire relationship. The good news is that building emotional intimacy can be fun, and here are some suggestions to try:
- Stay in touch throughout the day: Sending texts and calling each other at lunchtime can help you feel more emotionally connected with each other even when you are apart. Plus, it's an excuse to sext each other instead of just talking about the boring day-to-day business of being an adult.
- Do things you enjoy together: It seems like a simple idea, but it's one we often neglect as our calendars fill up with work and social obligations. But carve out time to do things you enjoy together. It might be gardening, kayaking down the river, or even playing a board game at home. Creating shared experiences increases your connection.
- Ask deeper question: Go beyond “How was your day?” and ask things like “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately?” or “What’s a dream you haven’t told me yet?” Questions like these invite your partner to share more of themselves and can uncover new ways to connect.
- Try something completely new as a team: Take a class neither of you has tried, travel somewhere unfamiliar, or tackle a project you’ve been putting off, or try something more sensual like playing a couple’s sex game. Doing something new together builds trust, intimacy, and creates fresh memories you’ll both treasure.
- Create rituals just for the two of you: This could be a Sunday morning coffee together, a nighttime walk, or a weekly “no phones” dinner. Small, consistent rituals give you something to look forward to and strengthen your sense of “us.”
- Share appreciation often: Don’t just think nice things about your partner - say them out loud. A simple “I love how you…” or “I’m grateful you…” can go a long way in making your partner feel valued and connected to you. If words of affirmation aren't your love language, try communicating to your partner in your love language, or theirs.
- Talk about your sexual fantasies: Displaying this level of vulnerability with another person is a great way to connect emotionally. After all, sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are linked. Talk about something you've always wanted to try in the bedroom. Tell them about your fantasies and sexual desires. You could even discuss introducing couples vibrators into your playtime or look up new tantric sex positions together that increase intimacy. Be open and honest about what you want. Who knows where it could lead in the bedroom?
There are many ways to increase emotional intimacy, and the fun part is finding the unique, creative activities that work within your relationship dynamic, but if you need more inspiration there’s these five sensory activities, too.
Takeaway
Being vulnerable with another human being is one of the bravest things we can do. But the rewards - in and out of the bedroom - are definitely worth it. Sexual satisfaction and emotional intimacy often go hand in hand, and when both are thriving, relationships feel stronger, closer, and more exciting. One way to help ensure you’re both satisfied is by learning how to use a couples vibrators together to increase emotional and sexual intimacy with doctor-recommended devices designed to improve arousal, comfort, and connection, so you can enjoy pleasure that’s as emotional as it is physical.
