As days, months, and years go on, butterflies turn into to-do lists, and a relationship can grow into a routine. Whether it’s because of work, obligations, or children, life gets overwhelming and busy and your sex life takes the hit. How do you tackle this problem head on and fix a dead bedroom?
What is a dead bedroom?
“Dead bedroom” is a term that has been thrown around all over social media the last few years and no it doesn’t mean a cluttered bedroom (although that certainly doesn’t help). Rather a dead bedroom is the flat-lining of a sexual relationship with your partner, which can leave you feeling frustrated, underappreciated, and resentful. You and your partner may be having no sex or end up having a lot less sex than you were used to having.
For some relationships, especially during the honeymoon phase, sex is an integral part of the relationship and although it is natural for your libido to wax and wane throughout a relationship, a severe and constant disinterest in sex can tear relationships apart. This flat-lining can occur for numerous reasons and is how your sexual relationship has veered from the previous norm. Some couple’s version of a drought might be three times a week whilst for others, it could be twice a year. The only version to compare your relationship to is your own relationship. Ignore anyone who tells you just how many times you should be having sex to maintain a healthy relationship.
A dead bedroom can have a broader impact on the wider relationship as frustrations come to the surface and you find yourself taking out those frustrations generally. Equally, these bedroom problems may be relationship problems manifesting themselves. The best way to face up to the dead bedroom is to understand exactly what is causing you to feel like this.
Common reasons you might be experiencing a dead bedroom
Long-term stress can have a very negative impact on your relationship and your libido - the high levels of cortisol inhibits testosterone production which can cause a low sex drive in men. Being under high levels of stress can make you feel preoccupied - and where you should be spending time with your partner you find yourself instead in your own head and very vacant. This can cause problems and rifts in the relationship, fix this dead bedroom problem through communication and addressing what is causing you stress.
As we age our bodies change, from hormone levels to physical appearance - these can have a great effect on what our bodies feel and how we perceive ourselves. Menopause has a whole host of changes and as you adjust to the hormone changes to the vaginal dryness you might not be feeling yourself as much as you once were. This can then seep into our relationship - as we get frustrated with our sensuality, we feel less sexual and thus enter the dreaded dead bedroom. For people with penises, erectile dysfunction becomes more prevalent with age, which can lead to sexual performance anxiety and make it difficult to feel sexy in the bedroom.
Finding a moment for you and your partner when you have kids can be difficult, with the ever-growing list of things to do, you might not feel like sneaking off to get busy. Although it’s difficult to make a plan when they are hanging off your legs, there are various ways to spice things up when you have kids and fit sex into a busy schedule.
Different sex drives
Not all people were made the same and sex drives between couples can differ enormously. When one partner has a low sex drive resulting in less sex, the other partner may end up feeling rejected and undesirable, causing a bigger schism between them and leading to even less sex. Communication is key in these circumstances to understand what each partner needs and learning how to navigate sex drive differences to find a compromise that works for both partners.
Stuck in a comfort-zone
Once the honeymoon period wears off, it’s normal for long-term relationships to become staler and for partners to put less effort into making things more exciting. Sexy date nights turn into lounging in front of the TV and where you used to glam up and make an effort to look good, you’ve gotten comfortable not putting in as much effort. Recognizing when you’re stuck in a rut and making an effort to try something new to fix your dead bedroom can really bring a new burst of life into your bedroom.
From the small annoyances to the full blown arguments, leaving even the littlest things unresolved can lead to bottling things up and creating an intimacy gap between you and your partner and lead to less sex. Communicating your feelings in a respectful way and understanding each other so you can resolve any underlying issues that are keeping you apart can help bring you closer together and lead to greater intimacy than before.
There are thousands upon thousands of reasons for a dead bedroom with a whole subreddit devoted to it and over 200,000 members for /r/DeadBedrooms. You will realize just how varied people’s answers are and realize you aren’t alone!
How to fix a dead bedroom
Whether the reasons for your dead bedroom are one of the most common or something entirely unique we have a few tips to help you move forward and revive your dead bedroom. Different things might work for your relationship but first things first: make a plan. After all, how are you going to change the relationship for the better without a solid plan of action?
You might feel things have changed but your partner might be blissfully unaware. Sometimes we like to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to our relationship and sexual problems - and if you aren’t communicating how are they supposed to know? Start the conversation with your partner to understand what’s holding you both back and what you both need to reignite that spark.
Has it felt like forever since you had your handheld? What about a kiss on the forehead? A gentle stroke of the leg? Small acts of affection can help you reconnect when times are tough - so a good place to start is by giving a small amount of affection daily. This can be whatever works for you - it could be a cup of coffee in bed or a longing kiss. Discuss with your partner how you want to incorporate more affection into your relationship and watch this be the spark that reignites the fire of passion.
Who doesn’t love a smooch with the one they love - but too often long-term relationships stop kissing there is no wonder so many couples experience a dead bedroom. Try kissing your way back to passion and setting a goal of how many times to kiss throughout the week. Spend a little longer than 5 seconds on kissing.
Explore intimacy as a whole
Fix your dead bedroom by improving emotional intimacy, this can bring you and your partner closer leading to a more satisfying sex life. Intimacy doesn’t just refer to sex, so try exploring intimacy in other ways and try something new to bring the fun and closeness back into the relationship. What about a spicy date night idea, sexy games or a sensual massage?
Reignite your dead bedroom by adding in an extra special something. From the sexual tension of picking your perfect sex toy to the anticipation of waiting for the sex toy to arrive, the whole experience can bring a lot of excitement to your sex life. Experimenting and playing with your partner and your new sex toy can help uncover spine-tingling sensations and bring a new oomph to your sex life. Sex toys aren’t a quick solution to your dead bedroom but they can certainly help you spice up the bedroom.
As unsexy as it is scheduling intimacy and putting in effort are the best ways to maintain or reignite passion. Society has taught us that passion is spontaneous and low maintenance - but from all the marriages that suffer from a dead bedroom, we can assure you that’s not the case. Fitting sex into a busy schedule can be difficult but it can be a great way to reconnect and stay distraction-free for the few hours of the date.
A dead bedroom doesn’t have to signal the end of your relationship or sex life but instead fix your dead bedroom by re-evaluating how you make time for each other.